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The man I'm dating asked me to meet his kids after a month. When I argued that it was way too soon, he said they knew he was dating someone and they just wanted to check me out, seems they had some reason to question his judgement. It also turned out his 16 year old daughter had written his profile. I like him anyway. She did a good job, and I guess every family is different.

Mine wanted to meet him after about 2 or 3 months... seems she doesn't trust my judgment. *grins*

ItsMargo wrote:Mine wanted to meet him after about 2 or 3 months... seems she doesn't trust my judgment. *grins*

Ok this is stupid to write ...

My kids know the man I am dating probably better than I do

Me well i am just a selfish old hag id never date any one with children , whose ages where younger than mine, as both mine are over 18 , i want a relationship, not to be a stand in mother, i have lived alone for 9 years to bring my children up, now i consider it my time, selfish yes but it works for me. i am having a ball .................

xlr8ingmargo wrote:^^^ Two daughters huh? Let me tell you I raised mine primarily alone and I know for a fact they are NEVER comfortable with me dating anyone.
They are married and have lives of their own and still interrogate the guys I have brought around. That will never change and if you think it does you have lessons your daughters will teach you.

Thank you for telling me your experiences with your children. You are making a wild guess in stating as fact what my relationship is like with my kids and how they may be in future.
Your grown up kids must worry an awful lot about you to want to interrogate "every man you brought around".

In a scenario with kids involved the single parent has to strike a balance between time and duties for the child and between time and loyalties to the newcomer. In an ideal world men tend to tolerate this more, and those who get involved with single mothers are willing to share that kind of arrangement. But such balance is rarely there.

So yes it is not the same as being in a relationship with someone who has no kids. Duties to ones children are a part of their life. Any outsider who comes into that equation thinking otherwise is a fool. But any man who thinks there EVER will be balance there in favor of him or her is a bigger fool. Sometimes these things succeed, but the threat of "to the curb" is always there. There is no avoiding the 800 lb gorilla in that room.

Even initially in a relationship there is a time period before the outsider get accepted into that family unit. Even that most men can live with.

But that is not how it works out. Even after the acceptance the same rules of being disposable are in place for men. That is not an uncommon experience. Given the high number of men burned in this way, yeah it has an impact on society and the whole dating culture. For single women to think that it doesnt, is delusional on their part.

ambien girl wrote:

eyeofthecamera wrote:Single mothers use a man as a whipping post, no matter how good he is to their kids.

I call bullsh1t.Period. This statement stems from a victim-oriented mentality that I simply cannot get on board with, considering the over-generalized statement that it is.

So something does not have validity to you unless it covers a minority or applies to all? If yes then that is such a black and white view of things. There is not victim oriented mentality involved.

Generalities is a way of discussing things where majorities are involved. Get over it.

Single moms using a man as a whipping post should be changed to some single moms and dads will use their partners as whipping posts, NOT ALL, the back bone part I didn't quite get, what does having a back bone to take that kind of grief supposed to mean?

Havent met one yet that doesnt at one time or another. With some I would even go so far as to say they only have the man in the equation for babysitting, amusement, or to take their frustrations out on.

It is a co-dependency type environment promoted by the single parent, using the kids as a means to achieve the same goal as if that person was without kids but in a co-dependency relationship. Setup is different, but the rules of engagement and outcome are the same. The kids get used as a tool or means to an end. The single parent who develops this into habitual behavior is the worse of all the breed, and sadly not that rare at all.

That being said there really does need to be better support systems in place for single parents -- from daycare to special educational opportunities. But that infrastructure is not there, or is so limited that it becomes a joke of waiting list after waiting list.

levi501 wrote:In an optimum senario, the Mother and Father are a unified unit (is that redundant?). They are the examples and ultimate source of authority for the children. When a second dad, or step-dad, comes into the senario, how much clout does he have? Ummm, in my experience very little. Should he choose to stay in a situation where he has little to no say, then yes, by his choice he has become a victum, and/or loser.

That is more the norm then I think a lot of mothers are willing to admit. Men are not seen as partners in these kinds of relationships. They essentially become chattal, expected to fulfill all the responsibilities of a parent, while at the same time being there to kick to curb at the slightest sign of questioning the single parents ultimate authority.

A no win situation. Not worth the grief.

So yes it is not the same as being in a relationship with someone who has no kids. Duties to ones children are a part of their life. Any outsider who comes into that equation thinking otherwise is a fool. But any man who thinks there EVER will be balance there in favor of him or her is a bigger fool. Sometimes these things succeed, but the threat of "to the curb" is always there. There is no avoiding the 800 lb gorilla in that room.

Of course being in a relationship with kids is vastly different than being in a relationship without kids. I wouldn't begrudge anyone their choice in the kids/no kids decision. I don't get the balance thing tho'... if something is balanced, wouldn't that preclude something being in favour of one over the other? Isn't it more of a triage of priority?

I'd be the last person to say being in a relationship with kids is easy - it requires a tremendous amount of flexibility and energy from both in order to keep it balanced. When we first started dating, there were times where we'd meet for coffee at 2 am because, between work and kids, that was the only time we could get together.

I don't get the omnipotent threat of "to the curb". Isn't it possible for that threat to be present in any relationship, whether there are kids present or not?

Havent met one yet that doesnt [use a man as a whipping post?] at one time or another. With some I would even go so far as to say they only have the man in the equation for babysitting, amusement, or to take their frustrations out on.

It is a co-dependency type environment promoted by the single parent, using the kids as a means to achieve the same goal as if that person was without kids but in a co-dependency relationship. Setup is different, but the rules of engagement and outcome are the same. The kids get used as a tool or means to an end. The single parent who develops this into habitual behavior is the worse of all the breed, and sadly not that rare at all.

That being said there really does need to be better support systems in place for single parents -- from daycare to special educational opportunities. But that infrastructure is not there, or is so limited that it becomes a joke of waiting list after waiting list.

I just don't get this - it begins to unravel for me @ whipping post for frustrations and then I am lost in the vagueness of the codependency bit.

I realize you have the qualifier "haven't met one" but you speak as if the whipping post thing is pervasive. I can get the babysitting irk (read too many threads on POF where some women shockingly expect men to pay for the babysitter so they can date, or expect him to babysit her kids so she can go somewhere else) and the amusement irk, but frustrations? That's got to be perceptual Eye.

^^ What changes "venting about a situation" into "Taking your frustrations out on my male whipping post"?

I know I have vented about situations with my sweetie and he has been a great resource in solving problems or gaining perspective (I have one teen, he's had two - sometimes it is helpful to realize it is a "teen" stage rather than a "her" thing). I know I've also been able to be a resource for him as we navigate life stuff and life-stuff-with-kids. We have different strengths, different responses, different limitations and there have been times where the differences have been extraordinarily valuable for BOTH of us to see a problem or solution differently than we would have otherwise.

Eye: Have you ever had even one postiive experience with a woman in your entire life?

If I had this many " men are evil" things to say about my past dating experiences..most men would say I had a "bad picker"...

While bad behavior in women exists, as it does in men...I just don't personally see it on the grand scale you do...

I can't believe all or most North American women are as cold, heartless and caculating as you seem to think they are...

I don't have chlidren, but, I know plenty of single mother s who do..and I can't honestly say I've seen this kind of behavior in more than one or two in my life...