POFUsers.com - Plenty of Fish Users Forum

restless_native wrote:

Choosejoy wrote:

me can google.

That looks like boobies.

Doesn't everything?

verityone wrote:A pie chart would be more representative

Only if you cling to exclusion interpersonal models. You have just represented it with a pie, it's still a linear hierarchy.

Good luck with that way of thinking,
...if you ever have kids of your own.

verityone wrote:A pie chart would be more representative, of the differences between dating a single parent, vs someone without children.

The reality is that even in a best case scenario, the majority of single parents simply offer a smaller slice than people without kids.

Many parents (even in a nuclear family) lose their sense of selves, and become "all about the kids", which only gets worse when they get divorced, they parent out of guilt for 'destabilizing' the lives of their children.
They'll prioritize their kids above themselves, typically.
Adults who don't respect and value themselves, won't respect other adults any better....

The philosophy of single parents all too often plays out as "children are forever", while at the same time feeling that relationships are transient, and they'll lead their lives from a 'worse case scenario' perspective, and invest much more of themselves into their kids.
Romantic relationships are seen as an "add on".

We've all read dating profiles with bold disclaimers about where someone will "fit in" in their lives, and it looks just like a pie chart.

When I was a kid my Mom used to say she had 2 pies, one divided into equal parts for the kids and one just for my Dad, awww, but it did make a separation between adult love and parent-kid love.

But I can see in the Venn how the overlap would be the family.

All relationships are venn diagrams... me, you and us.

Roxy127 wrote:

MahoganyRush wrote:Im betting that when you attending school you were the type that never studied and still aced the exams, and pissing off the teachers by challenging their thoughts? lol

I should proof these things before I post, I meant to say Attended , not attending oooops.
Okay back to the schedule program, after doing some research on Venn Diagram its making more sense Humphrey.
good call.

One of the very first men I spoke to when I went online for dating immediately challenged me about being a single parent and whether I would ever put a relationship ahead of my daughter. I was honestly flummoxed by the question. An adult relationship isn't the same as a parent/child relationship... everyone has needs and isn't being an adult balancing and prioritizing those needs?

I didn't meet him because I thought his perspective was rather odd and thought he likely had "issues". Once I began to read the forums it dawned on me that not everyone has the balance right and I - momentarily - felt bad about nuking the guy for his leeriness. It seems, reading other people's experiences, he had justification for his attitude/perspective. He's the only person I'd chatted with who expressed that opinion, so it was a very foreign outlook.

As I left my husband when I was pregnant; I've never been anything other than a single parent. Other than this one fellow, I've never experienced problems dating because I'm a single parent. (Likely others have seen I had a kid and have clicked next so I was blissfully unaware it was a problem).

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is there, is it a problem? lol

Humphrey Osmond wrote:

levi501s wrote:Have no idea what a "Venn diagram" is, nor do I care to research it. Sorry.

Why apologize to me? ...not my loss.

I apologized simply because it was late (here) and I was too tired and lazy to research it.

levi501s wrote:I hope you understand my point.

Linear hierarchy, ...check. "Second dad"? WTF?
....curious, how many kids do you have?[/quote]

I don't have any of my own, but have helped raise one little girl that I continued to stay in contact with long after Mom and I weren't seeing each other any longer (with her Mother's full support) and they moved across the country. She's a teenager now and I don't hear from her much. I chaulk-it-up to being a teenager, but she has told me that I will be the one to walk her down the aisle when the time comes (made my face leak).

Apparently you do have kids. THat's geat! Always wanted kids, myself. Been told I'd have made a great Dad. After the three aforementioned experiences with single Moms that went badly, I came to an epiphany: I didn't need a woman to include kids in my life. So, I began doing considerable volunteer work with depriviliged children, as well a teaching Sunday School (6-9 yr olds) at a nondenom church I was a part of (I was approached with the idea, I didn't lobby). It was great and kids were drawn to me. Parents even commented on it.

I always felt the reason kids were drawn to me was because I treated them as an equal, i.e. I never "spoke down" to them. Nowadays, the above mentioned would get me labled a pedophile.

Which is why I often speak up about the way men are being portayed in todays society. Good men do exist and I like to include myself in that category, whether a post on the internet agrees with me or not.

However, I might ask you: Have you ever been a single, childless, man trying to make a relationship go with a single Mom?

No good guy/bad guy in my senario, just different perspectives.

levi501s wrote:I think I do yours.

No, I don't think so.[/quote]

I thought your point was: If one begins any situation with a bad attitude (dating a single Mother in this senario), they've already shot themselves in the foot.

My point was: Not always and that I have tryed it three times, with what I felt was a good attitude, and failed miseribly. Margo explained this much better than I have the, apparent, ability to do.

I guess my ultimate point is, as the old Baptists Preachers of my youth (yes, I am a recovering Baptist - lol) used to say: Don't laugh at another man's limp until you've walked a mile in his shoes.

just a few thoughts

I don't have kids, but I am from a very close family and like Storm said pages ago, I am very close to both my neices who lived with me in their teen years.

My last relationship, he had 4 children from 8-14. He wanted to introduce me very quickly, which I was against to be honest. I feel strongly that if you have kids, you shouldn't introduce them to a partner unless your serious. That's just my opinion and by serious I don't mean about to walk up the aisle, but that you are intending to be together for the forseeable future.

I can think of nothing worse than a mum or dad parading a "new person" into the lives of their children almost every week.

Anyway, I met the kids. I got on great with them. I taught his daughter to bake, laid on parties (at his request) and we took them camping. I told him off when he tried to snuggle me in the kitchen when they where around and made a point of rising early to de-camp to another bed if I stayed over at weekends when he had them (again, just my personal feeling, but I do think a young child should feel they can enter their parents (singular) bedroom without finding someone who isn't mummy in the bed).

We talked about getting a place together and it was me that pointed out it needed to be big enough to accomodate the kids if necessary. I suggested we get somewhere about ten miles from his ex, so if the kids were having a "terrible teens" moment there was a bolt hole for them to come to while everyone cooled off. His ex was getting very stressed with the eldest son and I also mentioned we could maybe give her a break (if she wanted it), as she had them all week as he worked away. Of the 3 of us, I was the only one with experience of living with teenagers (my neices were with me for 4 years each from 16 up), which might help.

I also suggested that when the eldest went to college it might turn out that his choice made it more convenient for him to live with us, if he wanted.

When he went back to his ex wife, dumping me, he made this big thing about doing it for his kids, despite the fact he admitted he was going to force his eldest son to join the Navy because he couldn't cope with him.

It hasn't put me off ever getting involved with someone with kids again, it's a fact that at my age anyone I meet is likely to have kids-and children have a right to always come first no matter what the parental situation may be.

Addy01 wrote:I don't have kids, but I am from a very close family and like Storm said pages ago, I am very close to both my neices who lived with me in their teen years.

My last relationship, he had 4 children from 8-14. He wanted to introduce me very quickly, which I was against to be honest. I feel strongly that if you have kids, you shouldn't introduce them to a partner unless your serious. That's just my opinion and by serious I don't mean about to walk up the aisle, but that you are intending to be together for the forseeable future.

I can think of nothing worse than a mum or dad parading a "new person" into the lives of their children almost every week.

I have not introduced my two girls to anyone yet over the last 4 years,although there has been a few that I wanted too and a close call. They have only been aware of two partners simply due to the natural progression of my relationships.
I am pleased that they are both in a place now where their comfortable enough about meeting a partner of mine and that there mum has so much less influence about it.
Not only does a person lose the respect of a possible partner by knowing that there happy to intro there kids to anyone,but they damage there relationship and respect from there kids.Esp if it starts when there young kids.

^^^ Two daughters huh? Let me tell you I raised mine primarily alone and I know for a fact they are NEVER comfortable with me dating anyone.
They are married and have lives of their own and still interrogate the guys I have brought around. That will never change and if you think it does you have lessons your daughters will teach you.