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Successful ones? Sure, they have a well developed "us" factor but blended families are a very tough row to hoe and not one for the fainthearted. We weren't even going to attempt to live together until my daughter went off to uni - that is, until she suggested he move in.

I'm a flexible, level headed reasonably sane and secure person, my sweetie is an experienced parent with childhood development training as well as a solid partner with priorities sorted out and our kids are mature, want to see us happy and are welcoming of our involvement. I don't see how it could be any better than this going in. And yet, even with our not inconsiderable strengths, I can tell you it sure is tough navigating this terrain. And, as the "outsider" moving in, I can also say with certainty that the navigation was/is toughest on HIM and probably next for my daughter. After all, even with some clear benefits, she has had to adjust her life and scootch over to make room for him in her life. We've ALL had to adjust to new ways of doing things. Those new ways don't spring up fully formed, they have to be navigated individually.

First, as you develop a relationship, he's not HER dad, so it is not the same relationship and I doubt, especially as she is a teen, it will ever be a "parental" relationship. You don't walk in with respect, trust and authority; it has to be negotiated and developed step by step over time. There are times I know this man has walked around the block because he didn't like how something was going down, and well knew it wasn't yet his "place" to interject his opinion or his parenting style over mine. So he chose to temporarily (and kindly) remove himself from the situation. I'm sure there was a very healthy dose of self preservation at play too, lol. If he had tried to "flex his muscles" before he had "earned his place" it would, even with everyone willing and wanting this to work out, have been a disaster in the making. He would have made an already bad moment even worse. Instead, he bit his tongue, bided his time and very slowly began to develop his own relationship with my daughter. He very slowly and carefully began to interject helpful advice to both of us about handling situations. Sometimes it was appreciated and sometimes it wasn't, LMAO. Even with everyone genuinely wanting every person in our family to have a place at the table and a say in how we organize our lives, some days are tough. Just tough. There are moments where it would be real easy to slide downhill. Teens have moments where they hate their parents - this interloper is a real convenient target. Other days and moments are wonderful of course. Thankfully. I think we've both come to appreciate his involvement and give him space when he screws up with us - as he does with each of us individually and collectively.

I have dated people who came in demanding their right to parent, and that just did not work. Hahaa, that was a huge flame out. It's hard, very hard, to navigate this blended family stuff in such a way you don't end up taking sides, where you don't end up with "two against one" (whichever two against whichever one) and where you aren't making someone else wrong.

The "us" thing - as well as an ability to not hold grudges or build resentments - is critical in the navigation of who we are as a family tho'. My daughter has accepted that he is here, is staying, and we all have to sort out how to be with each other. That doesn't happen overnight and it doesn't happen without every single person in the family getting bumped on the noggen from time to time. Least ways, that's been my experience.

Relationships are tough enough; mix in kids and it is even tougher. Has to be simply because there's more complexity and personalities involved.

ItsMargo wrote:I think we've both come to appreciate his involvement and give him space when he screws up with us - as he does with each of us individually and collectively.

All the while remembering, ...that the same thing is required for any "family", ...biological parents or not, ...to work.

"It" isn't easy.

...I don't recall anybody ever convincing me that anything was easy.

MahoganyRush wrote:(not sure what the Venn Diagram is?) He will explain that to me one day lol

It's a way of looking at things from a framework of inclusion as opposed to exclusion, intersecting geometries... instead of a "totem pole". [/quote] Humphrey
Im betting that when you attending school you were the type that never studied and still aced the exams, and pissing off the teachers by challenging their thoughts? lol

MahoganyRush wrote:Im betting that when you attending school you were the type that never studied and still aced the exams, and pissing off the teachers by challenging their thoughts? lol

Id have to agree with you there,Mahogany

You could say Humph is verrrry "SLICK" in the nicest possible way !!

me can google.

After the kids have gone to bed...

A pie chart would be more representative, of the differences between dating a single parent, vs someone without children.

The reality is that even in a best case scenario, the majority of single parents simply offer a smaller slice than people without kids.

Many parents (even in a nuclear family) lose their sense of selves, and become "all about the kids", which only gets worse when they get divorced, they parent out of guilt for 'destabilizing' the lives of their children.
They'll prioritize their kids above themselves, typically.
Adults who don't respect and value themselves, won't respect other adults any better....

The philosophy of single parents all too often plays out as "children are forever", while at the same time feeling that relationships are transient, and they'll lead their lives from a 'worse case scenario' perspective, and invest much more of themselves into their kids.
Romantic relationships are seen as an "add on".

We've all read dating profiles with bold disclaimers about where someone will "fit in" in their lives, and it looks just like a pie chart.

Choosejoy wrote:

me can google.

That looks like boobies.

I think that it is utter bollix to suggest that single parents offer less to a relationship than a childless person. After having children both sex's usually review there sense of priority's and become much less selfish and more considerate of others.As well as that they are more able to prioritize problems and deal with most more rationally and get them in proportion.
It is true however that if they are the main carer then they feel its only right to be more guarded because they do not only have themselves to consider...again that is a positive rather than a negative.

To my mind,anyone who thinks that dating someone with kids has too many negatives is a person who is too selfish.

kids can be so much fun,but you can not take your eyes off them for one second when there toddlers.