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Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together
in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.

The first thing Daisy asked was, 'Do you have a condom?'

Donald frowned and said, 'No.'

Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.

'Maybe they sell them at the front desk,' she suggested.
So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk
if they had condoms.

'Yes, we do,' the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the counter and gave one to Donald.
The clerk asked, 'Would you like me to put them on your bill?

'No!' Donald quacked,


'I'll thuffocate'

The visiting Pakistan cricket team have been beaten by 5 wickets by Somerset in a thrilling match at Taunton next thursday....

A man is sitting reading his newspaper when the wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan...
"What was that for?" he asks.

"That was for the piece of paper in your trouser pocket with the name Mary Ellen written on it," she replies.

"Don't be silly," he says, "Two weeks ago I went to the races. It's the name of one of the horses I bet on."

She seems satisfied and at this, she apologises.

Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold.

When he comes around, he asks again, "What was that for?!"

She responded, "Your f**ing horse phoned."

A girl goes to a shop and buys 1 apple, 1 egg and 1 pie.
The grocer says "I bet you're single,"
"how did u know?" the girl asks.
He replies "cos you're an ugly cow!"

An obviously distraught woman takes her seat on the bus. The man beside her says."Excuse me madame, are you alright?" She replies, "Not really...that terrible bus driver just said I have an ugly baby." "That's outrageous." says the man. "You should march right back up there and give him a piece of your mind. I'll hold your monkey."

Growing up in a small town had many advantages, but some disadvantages as well, some less obvious than others. Take for instance, the ocassion of the sudden and unexpected death of the local undertaker. The whole town stank for weeks til we could find a new one.

This morning on the motorway,
I looked over to my right and there was a
Woman

In a brand new VW !!

Doing 75kph

With her
Face up next to her

Rear view mirror

Putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away

For a couple seconds !

And when I looked back she was

Halfway over in my lane,

Still working on that makeup.

As a man,

I don't scare easily.

But she scared me so much;
I dropped

My electric shaver,

Which knocked

The meat pie

Out of my other hand.

In all
The confusion of trying

To straighten out the car

Using my knees against
The steering wheel,

It knocked

My Mobile phone

Away from my ear

Which fell

Into the coffee

Between my legs,

Splashed,

And burned

Big Jim and the Twins,

Ruined the phone,

Soaked my trousers,

And disconnected an

Important call.

BL00DY women drivers!!

Whoops! Meant to put that on the politically incorrect thread!

Summary of Life

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats..
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food..
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair..
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's lap.



GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground...
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy..

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional...
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions...
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus..
4) You look like Santa Claus.


SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . . Not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . Having friends.
At age 17 success is . . Having a driver's license.
At age 35 success is . . . ..having money.
At age 50 success is . . . Having money..
At age 70 success is . .. . Having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . ... . Having friends.
At age 80 success is . . .. Not piddling in your pants.