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What does a redneck say after sex?

"Dad, get off me....you're crushing my cigarettes!"

Say what you like about the deaf...

I applied to go on Dragons Den but got rejected. Apparently my idea for a disabled persons bungee jumping centre called Spastics on Elastics was considered inappropriate. For some reason they also didn't like my range of underwear for them either - Mongs in thongs.......

George Bush walks into a bar with a giant, brilliantly coloured parrot on his shoulder. The bartender, staring incredulously at the bird asks, "Where did you get that?!"

And the parrot says:"Texas!"

(politically incorrect in it's original form)

Hear about the toy store special on last Christmas?
16 Barbie dolls and a Tiger Woods action figure for one low price.

And then, of course:
"Stop! Stop! We've run out of virgins!"

There once was a man from Nantucket
Who's c0ck was so long he could suck it
He said with a grin
As he wiped off his chin
If my ear was a c*nt I would fuk it

A Jewish woman goes to see her Rabbi and asks, "Yankele and Yosele are both in love with me, who will be the lucky one?''
The wise old Rabbi answers: " Yankele will marry you. Yosele will be the lucky one.

If a married Jewish man is walking alone in a park and expresses an opinion without anybody hearing him, is he still wrong?

My father says, "Marry a girl who has the same belief as the family." I said, "Dad, why would I marry a girl who thinks I'm a schmuck?"

Jewish Marriage advice "Don't marry a beautiful person. They may leave you. Of course, an ugly person may leave you too. But who cares?"

Morris went to his rabbi for some needed advice. "Rabbi, tell me is it proper for one man to profit from another man's mistakes?"
"No Morris, a man should not profit from another's man mistakes" answered the rabbi.
"Are you sure Rabbi?"
"Of course, I'm sure, in fact I'm positive" exclaimed the Rabbi.
" Ok, Rabbi, if you are so sure, how about returning the two hundred dollars I gave you for marrying me to my wife?"

The Italian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have wine."

The Frenchman says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have cognac."

The Russian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have vodka."

The German says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have beer."

The Mexican says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have tequila."

The Jew says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes."


Jewish proverb: "A Jewish wife will forgive and forget, but she'll never forget what she forgave."

A friend of mine who is a jehovah witness started telling me a knock knock joke today. but that's as far as he got before I dived behind the couch and pretended I was out!

Well, this is a true event, happened this summer, and it's not necessarily politically incorrect.

A bunch of us guys were sitting around drinking brewskis and grilling some steaks when my young nephew shows up, all excited.

"Hey, ya'll, he says, "my big brother just got back from Afghanistan."

"Yeah, we know, that's why we're having this BBQ party!"

The young dude swaggers away, looks back at us, and says, "Hell yeah, he killed a sh*tload of Japanese!"

Storm wrote:There was a power cut at the penny's today in Dublin..One poor girl was stuck on the escalator for three hours.

I love that joke. But I actually saw it happen in real life! Honestly! (Mind you, crutches were involved.) But not every day you get to see a real-life punch-line.

George Michael has been forced to give hand jobs to his fellow inmates before making them their nightly hot drink.He is currently working on his new single about his time in prison called 'wânk me off before your cocoa'