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A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders
a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table.
He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over,

Looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says:

'I went by your grandma's house today and

I saw her in the hallway buck naked.

Man, she is one fine looking woman!'

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word.

His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and
Would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says:

'I got it on with your grandma and she is good,
The best I ever had!'

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad
But the biker still says nothing.

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says,
'I'll tell you something else, boy,
Your grandma liked it!'

At this point the biker stands up,

Takes the drunk by the shoulders
Looks him square in the eyes and says....................


'Grandpa;....... Go home!

Wonderful English from Around the World


In a Bangkok temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.

Cocktail lounge , Norway :
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

Doctors office, Rome :
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Dry cleaners, Bangkok :
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On the main road to Mombassa, leaving Nairobi :
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.

In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

In a cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

Hotel, Yugoslavia :
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID..

Hotel, Japan :
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.

A sign posted in Germany 's Black Forest :
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE..

Hotel, Zurich :
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand :
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen :
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

A laundry in Rome :
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.

A mans was sitting on the toilet struggling with constipation and thought:

"I don't have time for this sh*t"

I have no idea was this cracked me up, but it did...

Looking at the new sponsor list after the world cup, I take it that England’s performance was not well received back home.....

The Football Association today proudly unveiled Total, fcuk and UPS as the new sponsors of the England football team. ‘The combination of these three corporate giants perfectly captures the ethos of the England side,’ said an FA spokesman. ‘After all, they had nothing in the tank when it counted, and they’ve proved themselves to be a bunch of expensive posers who always fail to deliver.’

The new shirts come in a range of bright ‘easy to spot’ colours after claims from England players that the old kit was painted in ‘magic invisible ink’ which made it impossible to pick out an easy and obvious pass to a team mate. The new shirts are also made of a super lightweight material, unlike the old tops which were apparently made of extra-heavy chain mail which left the Premiership stars lumbering around looking exhausted and unfit.

However, one criticism has been made of the design of the new England kit with claims that the neck hole was inexplicably too small for the heads of the Premiership stars. Players say this will make it very hard to pull the shirt off during an over-exuberant goal celebration, but a spokesman for the manufacturers said ’we don’t envisage this being a problem.’

^^^^

TESCO'S DISPENSARY
_PRINT
JOHN AND JACK ARE HAVING A PINT IN THE PUB, LEANING ON THE BAR. JOHN SAY'S MY ELBOW HURTS I THINK I'LL GO TO THE DOCTOR TOMORROW. JACK REPLYS WHY DON'T YOU TRY THE NEW TESCO'S MEDICAL MACHINE, ALL YOU NEED IS £5 AND A URINE SAMPLE.
THE FOLLOWING DAY JOHN GOES TO TESCO'S PUTS HIS FIVER IN , THE MACHINE THEN ASKS FOR HIS SAMPLE. AFTER TWO MINUTES OF WHIRRING OUT POPS A CARD WHICH READS YOU HAVE TENNIS ELBOW , SOAK IN WARM WATER AND REST FOR A WEEK.
BACK HOME JOHN IS AMAZED. AND WONDERS IF THE MACHINE CAN BE FOOLED. HE GETS A JAR PUTS IN TAP WATER, SOME URINE FROM HIS WIFE AND DAUGHTER, AND CAT A PIECE OF DOG EXCRETEMENT, THEN TO FINISH OFF MASTURBATES INTO THE JAR. THAT AFTERNOON SEE'S HIM BACK IN TESCO'S WITH HIS SAMPLE AND £5
HE PUTS THE £5 IN .THE MACHINE THEN ASKS FOR HIS SAMPLE
FIVE MINUTES LATER AFTER MUCH WHIRRING OUT POPS HIS CARD
1/ YOUR TAP WATER IS TO HARD; GET A WATER SOFTNER
2/YOUR CAT IS EXPECTING KITTENS; GET A VET
3/ YOUR DOG HAS WORMS; GET WORM TABLETS
4/ YOUR DAUGHTER HAS VD; GET A DOCTOR
5/YOUR WIFE IS PREGNANT WITH TWINS AND THEY ARE NOT YOURS; GET A DIVORCE.
6/ IF YOU DONT STOP MASTURBATING YOUR ELBOW WILL NEVER GET BETTER.

I'm terrible at remembering jokes...but I always liked this one liner:

What's the difference between love and lust?

A spit and a swallow.

And here is this I received today:


World's Shortest Books:
_________________________________
THINGS I DID TO DESERVE THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE
by Barack Obama
____________________________________________

MY BLACK GIRLFRIENDS
by Tiger Woods
____________________________________________

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY
by Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan
Illustrated by Michael Moore
________________________________________

MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS
& HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA
by Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton
______________________________________
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL
by Hillary Clinton
_________________

Sequel: THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY
By Bill Clinton
_________________
THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
by Bill Gates
____________________________________

THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
by Dennis Rodman
_________________________________

THINGS WE KNOW TO BE TRUE
by Al Gore & John Kerry
_____________________________________
AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC
_______________
A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
by Dr. J. Kevorkian
__________________________________

TO ALL THE MEN WE HAVE LOVED, BEFORE ......
by Ellen de Generes & Rosie O'Donnell
__________________
GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
by Mike Tyson
__________________________________
THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
_______________________________________
MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
by O. J. Simpson
_________________________________________

HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE SAFELY
by Ted Kennedy
BOOK OF MORALS
by Bill Clinton
with introduction
by the
Rev. Jesse Jackson
*******************************************************
AND, JUST ADDED:
My Complete Knowledge of Military Strategy
by Nancy Pelosi

: I lost the trivia contest at the church social last night by one point ---- The last question was:...
"Where do most women have curly hair?
Apparently the correct answer is: Africa ........
I’ve been asked to find another place to worship…………

I got lost in translation with this oriental girl on a dating site.....i thought an itchie fanny was a japanese motorbike.......