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Are you a parent, who, for whatever reason, was unable to build a relationship with your child through consistent regular contact during their early formative years despite separation from the main guardian of your child or distance etc., who has finally managed to get to know your child?

I'm interested in learning about the other side of situations like this because I'm currently going through the motions of observing my son getting to know his father who he hasn't known at all aside from moments when, with my son, I bumped into his daddy and told him that the man I was saying hello to was his father...it took a while but daddy finally felt at ease with the idea of welcoming his son into his life..

His father admitted to me that he really regretted not trying harder to be more involved and he even asked me to tell my son that he felt that deeply - dad said that he wasn't in the 'right place' during those years etc..I didn't feel it was my place to excuse his dad's past behaviour or to necessarily explain away or excuse it - it was how it was and the past doesn't matter as much as the present in my regard..

But I'm so in awe of how both my son and his dad have found it so easy to just be at one with each other (according to my son's telling of the experience)..my son is thoroughly enjoying having met his father and the prospect of knowing him better - I'm very excited for him..

The silly thing is that everybody involved in his father's life has been telling him for years that he should get a wriggle on and just bite the dust and get involved with his son regardless of any perceived guilt on his part ( I think he may have felt that his son might hold it against him that he was rejected but I'm not sure)

So..are there any uplifting tales to tell out there to encourage other men or women to make the effort to get to know their child if they aren't willing to out of guilt etc.?

in my experience, there is no such thing as a parent that doesn't WANT to parent... plenty of parents CANT be a parent for one reason or other, but, normally, given the right opportunities they would dearly love to be the parent they dream of being....

it is never too late either... children are the most forgiving species and will look for any reason to excuse their parents behaviour and will always make space in their lives to let the parent back in... if a child has a concrete reason as to why their parent wasnt available it makes it a bit easier... this could be addiction, distance, abuse, prison anything... children are the most empathic and understanding of all the human race and will accept their parents flaws a lot quicker and be much more forgiving than we, as adults, are of their imperfections...

children on the whole, would prefer a poor parent to no parent at all; good for you fg for providing your child with the opportunity of letting his dad into his life...


edit...

mmm.. i see i didnt really answer your question... sorry... no uplifting story to share... my kids dad wasnt given the opportunity to not parent his children... i had to persuade him a bit at one stage, but luckily he saw it my way...

I think it's possible that you have had so few replies because you put the qualifier at the bottom of your OP for "uplifting" stories.

There are many, many parents who don't parent because they don't want to and they state it outright. My son's father is one of them and I work with women every day (and meet the "other" parent fairly often) who deal with this. Our child was planned for a few years, we were married and I was in my mid thirties when I had our son. The reality of the work and the responsibility did not meet the fantasy my husband envisioned and he was unable to control his temper once our baby arrived.

I won't go any further about the details of this as the story of the prodigal parent is often permanent and not uplifting, in my own experience and in my experience of supporting others who are entirely on their own with their children. I think there might be a place on the forums somewhere, for those stories too. I know it's not here, just wanted to weigh in on why, including mine, I think this thread has had only two responses since you started it.

Likewise my experience is anything but inspirational. I have a child who has only been visited by her sperm donor three times in eighteen years. I think she takes it personally, especially after the only dad she ever knew passed away. Sorry to say I am no help, OP.

It's sad that some kids never meet their parents at all.

With my same son, I did go through the motions of him being quite desperate to know his dad when he was very young, it would appear he's conveniently forgotten the sadness he felt as a child amongst other children who's dads were there for them...his two older siblings got to know their dad due to my having to uphold a court order - I'm glad that I was shown the error of my ways as in fearing the worst from the oldest two meeting a man I didn't trust to be a good parent..I was forced to trust that the courts were right when my instincts screamed that they were wrong...it turned out well for all of us as a family to have that man in our lives again but now that those two are practically adults, they see their father for what he is (in their estimation, not mine) and my daughter has decided she will have nothing to do with him ever again because of how he has treated her...I swear I try to reason with her and ask if she isn't having too high an expectation of him to be the be all and end all, he's human after all..but she has decided she can't possibly tolerate him in her life at the moment for various reasons, her brother hasn't felt particularly inspired to bother going to visit his father for a number of years, his father is a let down to him - I hope relations improve between them eventually.

But the youngest son adores his two sibling's father..because the man made the effort to include him in his side of the family...the pair of them get on fabulously together and relate very well..

Perhaps my youngster was primed to be more accepting of his real father due to his relationship with the other fella..I don't know...perhaps he learnt it's better to be accepting and go with the flow and not to have huge expectations..to simply enjoy the moment rather than to question it..

But the poor little lad used to be a rather tragic figure who wrote songs and poetry exploring his feelings upon missing his siblings when they went off to visit their dad and bemoaning the fact he didn't have one and worse being heartbroken that he wasn't a part of the exciting adventure his siblings were on, he missed them awfully when they weren't around..personally I loved it when he and I were alone at the weekends they disappeared because he is a joy to be with and it was intensely interesting to me how his mind worked..he'd go to his room and be there all by himself for ages writing his songs, then come downstairs to ask me what I thought when he'd sing me his sad song...

So, I do congratulate my son on his generosity towards his father and for taking him into his life now...he was very nervous about it all when the opportunity to meet was first presented to him..he was scared stiff..he even said to me that he didn't need a man he has never known in his life before now..that his life was good (I think that was bravado on his part and perhaps he thought that it was the right thing to say to me that the only people he needed to matter in his life were me, his brother and sister.)..I'm delighted for him that he took the step he did to accept his dad into his life finally (it took a year), without any recriminations whatsoever and he is getting what he's prepared to give back...lots of love (his father did apologise for being an absentee parent and asked for forgiveness) it's really cool, an end of one chapter and the beginning of a new one, it's life affirming for him as an individual and I'd be a rotten b*tch for negating this new experience which will only add to the burgeoning conclusion my son will arrive at when he ponders upon his place ln life and this world; that he matters a hell of a lot to those who love him....for that same reason, a father who denies the right of their child to know them should be considered a total arsehole for refusing to see their child or denying parentage unless they recapitulate of course, forgiveness is the key..

You don't say how old your son is.

I have seen a similar thing happen. The problem arises when there is conflict and dad tries to exert his parental control/wishes over their kid. This can happen a lot during into adulthood.

The kid always has the "excuse" that dad wasn't there for him and can't have that control. This undermines dads role in dealing with bad behaviours.

you simply can't wash away that resentment / hurt so easily if the kid is of any real age. Personalities and styles of those involved obviously hugely affect this.

Are there no signs of parenting potential that one may detect BEFORE breeding?

In other words ... Why choose a bad father?

Cootie Queen wrote:Are there no signs of parenting potential that one may detect BEFORE breeding?

In other words ... Why choose a bad father?

IME, sometimes wonderful and healable people go through times in their lives when they are unable to live up to their responsibilities well. It's sadly unfortunate when these times coincide with their children's youth, sometimes it's predictable and sometimes not.

Choosejoy wrote:

Cootie Queen wrote:Are there no signs of parenting potential that one may detect BEFORE breeding?

In other words ... Why choose a bad father?

IME, sometimes wonderful and healable people go through times in their lives when they are unable to live up to their responsibilities well. It's sadly unfortunate when these times coincide with their children's youth, sometimes it's predictable and sometimes not.

Agreed.
I should have seen the writing on the wall with my son's father perhaps... He had two children from a previous marriage whom he had little contact with... having left shortly after they were born. The fact is that he turned out to be a good father in many respects and our son adored him. Our marriage was on the rocks when our son was 14 but they still maintained contact with each other. It was only when he was 16 and things went wrong in his father's life, (i.e. the young Filipino girl he shacked up with deserted him for someone else, etc.) His father ended up losing his home (that went with his job)... due to government cut backs... and no doubt because he spent most of his working day in the pub... and ended up going to live in the Far East, having raked up over £100K that he owed on credit cards. This all happened after I had left him so has no bearing on my credit status.... apart from some stupid timeshare contract which is inconsequential in the scheme of things. I think the point I'm trying to make is that he was a big part of my son's life and he left at a time when my son was questioning and defining himself and how he relates to others... based on his parents as role models. His actions devastated my son who has hardly had any contact with him since and doesn't really know of his whereabouts and only recently, after 18 months, received a 5 minute phone call to let him know he's still alive and that he is now happily married to a 23 year old Thai girl. As far as I'm concerned, he might as well be dead. I think his sudden departure from my son's life at a time when he crucially needed him probably did as much damage than if he wasn't ever in his life to begin with. I can't for the life of me fathom how he managed to not only sweep his kids from his previous marriage from out of his life but now he's done he same to ours. I sort of understand why he's excluded me from his life and that a lot of the reason is shame based but I have found it difficult to understand that he could that to his son whom he adored and I have hundreds of pictures to prove it. Most likely he will die long before my son even knows it. I wish he could see the wonderful person his son has turned out to be. Sad really. In some ways, I wish he had never been a part of my son's life and yet I do see how his influence in my son's life brought a different dimension that he would have perhaps have lacked if his father hadn't been a major part of his life for the first 14 years.