POFUsers.com - Plenty of Fish Users Forum

Wot did the big mouse say to the wee mouse?
Come round the corner and I'll show you my hole...

I just drove past a field when I saw a scarecrow trying to have a wânk.......... I thought to myself, he's just clutching at straws...

My brother went to a Muslim strip show the other night..they was all shouting..'Show me your face!'


The lead actor in our local pantomine 'Aladdin' was bum raped live on stage last night..To be fair the audience did try to warn him .............

I like the one liners:

"wot did one dyke say to the other?...Your face or mines"

Newfie Drunk...

Recently, during a routine patrol, an RCMP patrolman parked down the
street outside a Legion Hall just off the main road in Gander NL..

After last call, the officer observed a man leaving the Legion Hall. The
gentleman was so intoxicated that he could barely walk. He then stumbled
around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly
observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five
different vehicles, the man managed to find his car, which he fell into.

He sat there for a few minutes and then threw a hook and line out the
window and seemed to be trying to catch a fish.. A number of other patrons paid
no attention to this crazy drunk as they left the bar and drove off.

Finally, the drunk started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was
a fine, dry summer night) flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times,
honked the horn, and switched on the headlights.

He then pulled in the hook and line and moved the vehicle forward a few
inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes
as some more of the other patron vehicles left. At last, the parking lot was
empty; he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down
the road.

The officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the
patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man
over...

He performed a breathalyzer test on the gentleman who cooperated fully,
and to his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having
consumed any alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said, 'I'll have to ask you to accompany me to
Headquarters. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."


"I doubt it," said the truly proud Newfie...


"Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

A good cure!

Roy, the poofta, goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.

The doctor comes back and says, ' Roy, I'm not going to beat around the bush.

You have AIDS.'

Roy is devastated. 'Doc, what Can I do?

Eat one curry sausage casserole, one head of Cabbage,

20 unpeeled carrots drenched in very hot curry sauce,

10 Jalapeno Peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of All Bran,

And top it off with two litres of prune juice..'

Roy asks bewildered, will that cure me, Doc?
Doc says, No,

But it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ARSE is for.

Blind Cowboy

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

Air Traffic control Quotes

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"

Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"


Allegedly the German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They, it is alleged, not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,... and I didn't land."

Due to take off from JFK New York one morning in our Qantas 707 we were about eighth of fifteen aircraft in line. From one of the aircraft, presumably experiencing a slight problem, a voice over the radio said, "fcuk!"
JFK Air Traffic Control (angrily demanding to know): "Who said fcuk?"
First aircraft in the line (gave callsign): "I did not say fcuk."
Quickly followed by the second in line (gave callsign): "I did not say fcuk."
Then the third, and then all of us, one by one, giving the same "I did not say fcuk" reply.

Girlie Wisdom!

1. A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills...
she has 14 kids but she doesn't really care..

2. One of life's mysteries is how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make
a woman gain 5 lbs.

3. My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.

4. The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

5. The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't
know what you are doing, someone else does.

6. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then
your body and your fat are really good friends..

7. Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today...

8. Sometimes I think I understand everything, and then I regain
consciousness.

9. I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting fire to my panties.

10. Amazing! You hang something in your closet, for a while, and it
shrinks 2 sizes!

11. Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things
like...'You know sometimes I forget to eat!' .....Now, I've forgotten
my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys, but I have never
forgotten to eat.. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to
eat!

12.. The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about
nothing -- and then they marry him.

13. I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are
eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they
kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day!

girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.
The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. ‘Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!’

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, ‘I had no idea you were this religious.’

The boy turns, and whispers back, ‘I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.’

The Talking Centipede
A lonely fellow decided one day that life would be much more fun if he had a pet, but he didn’t want just an average dog or a cat. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he would like to buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion the shopkeeper told the fellow that the most unusual pet had was a talking centipede. Thinking that he wouldn’t get lonely if he had something to chat with, he bought it. The shopkeeper told him he wouldn’t be disappointed, and handed him a little white box to use as the talking centipede’s house.
He took the centipede back home, found a good spot for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him.

So he asked the centipede in the box,"Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time."


But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again,
"How about going to church with me ?"

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.
So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time.

This time he put his face up against the centipede's house and shouted,
"Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me ?”


This time, a little voice came out of the box,…..
I heard you the first time!
I’m putting on my shoes!