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A large woman, wearing a sleeveless dress, walked
in a bar in Dublin. She raised her right arm revealing a huge, hairy armpit, as she pointed
to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, 'What man here will buy a lady a drink?'
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her.. But down at the end of the bar,
an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed 'Give the
ballerina a drink!'

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the
patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit,
and asked, 'What man here will buy a lady a drink?' Once again, the same little drunk
slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!'
The bartender approached the little drunk and said 'Tell me, Paddy, it's your business
if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?'
The drunk replied, 'Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!'

The Elvi Enigma

This lady from a trailer park is about to turn 50, so the day before her birthday she gets drunk (like the day before), and decides that she's going to get a tattoo of Elvis to commemorate the event. She wakes up her husband and asks for $200 so she can get something special for "her special day", ...he asks, "What the hell are you going to spend $200 on?"

"It's a surprise, I just know you'll love it!" She says... so he answers, "Go ahead, my wallets on the table, help yourself."

So she takes $200 from his wallet, has a few more drinks for courage and heads on down to the closest tattoo parlour. She doesn't have to go far, a good thing too 'cause by now she's pretty drunk. She walks into the Tattoo joint and asks the guy behind the counter if he can tattoo Elvis on her. Unfortunately, she's too drunk to notice that he's even drunker than she is (well, ...I did say it wasn't far from the trailer park).

He slurs, "Where ya wannit?"

She replies, "Oh, ...I dunno', I hadn't thought about it, ...uh, ...somewhere hidden?"

"Sure" the drunk tattoo artist says, "Fer a hunnerd bucks...we can put it on your inner thigh, right up next to yer cootch, ...oh, ...which Elvis, young Elvis or Vegas Elvis?"

"Um, ...I can't make up my mind, Oh! I have $200, ...how 'bout both, one on each thigh!"

So the drunk tattoo artist goes to work, hands shaking, ...trying his best, ...when he finishes up he tells her, "There ya go, ...that'll be $200"

She pays him, and leaves, ...forgetting her underwear.

When she gets home, she gets down on the floor in front of her passed out husband and shouts, "Surprise!" ...whipping her dress up and spreading her legs.

"Wha? ....whoa! What the hell! Who the hell are them two guys Jolene? ...You paid $200 for that?!?"

"Cletus, you drunkin' old fool, it's Elvis, ...the young one on one side, older on t'other!" She responds.

"You're crazy, neither one of 'em looks like Elvis", he says "I don't know who they look like? You go back and get a refund, ....that was a shameful waste of good drinkin' money!"

"I will not, ...them are perfectly fine portraits of Elvis, ...I just think you're trying to spoil my special day!"

"Tell you what, ...let's call my cousin Jethro over, he don't drink no more ...so's he can tell ya' I aint lyin'"

She agrees, ...they call Jethro and in ten minutes, he shows up and sits down, "So, ...show me this tattoo y'all are fussin' 'bout" he says.

Jolene gets down on the floor again, ...whips up her dress and spreads her legs. Jethro looks, ...squints, ...looks a little closer and finally he searches his pockets for his readin glasses and puts them on, goes in even closer and opines, "Well, ...I cain't say as I know who them two fellers on the outsides is", he says, "But the one in the middle is a perfect likeness of Willie Nelson"

...